How To Fail As A Legionnaire
by PervyMonk
Summary: Silus fails. Hilarious antics ensure. A series of drabbles that are being written for the Fallout Kink Meme.
1. No One Else Would Take Him

The Legionaries' Lament

Steve was a failure. He always has been. When he tried to join the Great Khans, he backed out the day before his beatdown. ("My, uh, grandmother is ill! I'd better go run this Med-X to her!")

His first day in the NCR's military, he ate irradiated food and fell ill, causing his squad to fail inspection. ("Get out of the latrine, recruit! We're throwing dummy grenades!" Needless to say, port-o-poties and dummy grenades don't mix.)

He then wandered the wastes of the former United States, just looking for a place to fit in.

And then he found Caesar's Legion

The Legion wasn't the nicest bunch of fellows to be around, but Steve was running out of factions to get kicked out of. The only requirement to be a legionary was to never mention that Gaius Julius Caesar didn't have anything on Alexander of Macedonia. Oh, and he had to change his name to a ridiculous Roman name.

Life in the Legion was good in Arizona. The local townspeople respected him for what he was, and not what he had been. He flourished well in the conquered territories of Caesar's Legion. Caesar liked his subservient nature, and allowed him many rewards, including promoting him to the rank of Centurion.

Then a group of unremarkable tribals assimilated into his unit. And that's how Steve-turned-Silus met that brat Vulpes.


	2. Vulpes The Brat

"That's dumb. You're dumb," Vulpes says petulantly. Silus sighs in frustration.

"Look, this is best way to handle it with a minimum loss of life," Silus explains. Vulpes scoffs.

"'Minimum loss of life? We are _Legion._ We don't give a fuck about loss of life." Silus rubs his temples.

"Am I going to have to pull rank on you? Because Caesar wants that stockpile of Fancy Lads Snack Cakes, and the only thing between us and them are the tribals guarding it. I say we go in and negotiate."

"We are Legion. We don't negotiate," Vulpes says.

"Jeez, kid. You sound like a broken record. Look, I don't want to kill anyone, and-hey! Hey, where are you going? GET BACK HERE! Don't you take those hunting rifles! DON'T YOU-damn it, he took them."

And so, Vulpes Inculta broke rank, and led the raid that insured Caesar a lifetime of Fancy Lads Snake Cakes. Silus, not wanting his masculinity to be infringed upon, demanded that Vulpes be crucified.

Caesar promoted the brat to Frumentarius.


	3. A Great Idea At The Time

Silus had a great idea. It was epic. The Legate, Joseph Graham, even told him it was a great idea.

"That's a great idea, Silus!" he said enthusiastically.

The idea was thus: The Legion would flood the NCR with Veteran Legionnaires, the best the Legion had to offer. They would over-run Hoover Dam, and the Legion would waltz to victory.

Great idea. In theory.

In reality, Silus had forgotten that the Legion was just a bunch of assholes wearing skirts with nothing but hunting rifles and machetes, with NO stimpacks.

The Legion lost.

"Caesar is going to kill me," the Legate moaned.

"Nah. You guys are friends. He'll understand," Silus reassured him.

Caesar had Joseph Graham covered in pitch, set on fire, and thrown down the Grand Canyon.

"My bad," Silus called to the falling Legate, sincerely hoping that Graham's cries of "Siiiiiiiiiiluuuuuuuuuuus" were indecipherable to anyone else.


	4. Mr Fix It

Hello! This is your author here. I would like to remind everyone that this is a _**parody**_, written in good fun. :D Enjoy the latest update, you guys!

* * *

><p>Silus decided to fix Caesar's Auto-Doc since there weren't any cards that said "Hey, sorry I ruined your biggest battle to date, costing you your Rome, and causing you to cover your best friend in pitch, set him on fire, and throw him down the Grand Canyon".<p>

Apparently, such occasions did not arise very often.

So Silus went to work, The Auto-Doc still worked well, but happened to be a little glithcy. Sometimes, instead of giving a shot of Med-X, it would brush a person's teeth. While that was all well and good in a society that neither believed in modern medicine nor personal hygiene, Caesar had taken to being mad at every little thing that went wrong.

So Silus decided to fix it for him.

"Ok, so these wires seem completely useless. Let's just take them out!" RIIIIIIIP!

And thus, Silus not only had to carry the guilt of causing the defeat at Hoover Dam, he also had to keep the secret of who really broke the Auto-Doc.


End file.
